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Rome Rolls Civ: Julius Caesar's Adventures in Civ IV

Sun, 22 Mar 2009 15:44:44 -0400

Another weekend, another abortive attempt at beating Civ using semi-history as my guide. This is a liveblog of Civ IV from the Roman perspective. You'll notice it ends rather abruptly, because that's when I got fed up with Civ IV's bull**** and went to get really drunk.

Turn 0: Salve, Pueri e Puella! Rome has been founded, and I, Julius Caesar am your great leader. Forget that Romulus and Remus crap! Also, Pompey doesn't exist either because he was a big chode. I am the only Triumvirate! Now is the time to research Mysticism, because what is Rome without her gods? Nothing, I say! Nothing!

Turn 5: Caesar conquers the Etruscans! Caesar conquers the Etruscans! Julian Warriors have destroyed an Etruscan encampment to the north, plundering the knowledge of Agriculture from them. Soon, the rich Italian soil will blossom with farmland as far as the eye can see.

Turn 15: We've made contact with the Chinese empire, led by Mao Zedong. How fitting. He was gracious enough to share noodle recipes with Caesar, but he merely shook his head and laughed, proclaiming Roman red sauce to be superior. Hail marinara!

Turn 18: Montezuma of the Aztecs has reached out to Caesar in hopes of winning his good favor. Caesar remains watchful for now, but encourages fellow Citizens to embrace the Aztecs as potential friends.

Turn 19: "War," cries Caesar, "War! Death to the Chinese usurpers!" And so the Julian army marches upon Beijing. Caesar knows a threat when he sees it, and Citizens are advised to be vigilant of anyone eating Peking duck.

Turn 20: Roman stargazers now have a proper title: Mystics! As our more supernaturally-inclined Citizens look to the heavens, one can only imagine what it is looking back. Luckily, we'll be studying Polytheism next to answer that question.

Turn 21: Victoria of the British has landed on Caesar's door, begging for his wise ministration. Caesar warns of a time when Rome's eye will fall upon Britannia, but feels it's best to keep his enemies close for now.

Turn 26: Another Latin village has fallen to Caesar's army! Scouts were lucky enough to uncover a map of the region, which will benefit Rome greatly.

Turn 28: While wandering the western deserts, Caesar came across Wang Kon of the Korean empire. Caesar greeted the man but continued on his way, warning him to watch out for that Mao guy.

Turn 43: Caesar meets Gilgamesh on his travels. Caesar distinctly remembers reading about the leader when he was in high school, but doesn't let on during their parlay. He resolves to look upon the man with wariness, and doesn't yet make his intentions of global conquest known.

Turn 47: Caesar is proud to form Antium, the second great city of the Roman empire! It's located just west of the capital city, conveniently brushing up against Beijing's cultural border. So begins the culture war!

Turn 48: Members of the Julian Warrior Corps were defeated by a sneak attack of marauding Lions! Caesar isn't yet sure who tipped off the animals, but resolves to place the fallen heroes into the pantheon of Roman memory.

Turn 51: St. Augustine, if that's his real name, has ranked the Roman empire the sixth-most powerful nation in the world. Clearly he's unaware of Caesar's plans for the future. Otherwise, he would have watched his tongue, which will surely be cut out!

Turn 53: Roman Mystics have discovered the secrets of the heavens: Polytheism. This allows Rome to begin following the one true religion, Hinduism. While Caesar initially wanted to name the practice Roman mythology, he knows it is unwise to argue with the gods, so Hinduism it is! Roman scholars now turn their eye to Archery, lending the great empire military superiority for the coming centuries.

Turn 73: Archery is ours! Rome's great thinkers have learned the art of missile combat, granting the empire a great tactical advantage over her rivals. Next on the college of scientists' list: Bronze Working.

Turn 101: Machiavelli, the great Italian kingmaker, has declared Rome the second-most cultured civilization in the world, behind only an unknown civilization. Caesar was pleased with the outcome, publicly musing that Machiavelli was forced to create a new civilization to appear unbiased to the common reader.

Turn 112: Rome has entered the Bronze Age, veritably reinventing the way Roman artisans and military strategists will work forever. Rome now has the option of utilizing the Axeman, who can storm enemy cities with abandon. Up next, by Caesar's decree: the Wheel, since he's tired of walking everywhere.

Turn 134: Roman scientists are once again the envy of the world as the empire now understands the concept of the Wheel. Soon our Chariots will bring speed to the might of the infantry, and Caesar has invited leaders of other nations to look upon our methods of travel in awe.

Turn 135: Caesar is proud to announce to all Citizens the foundation of Cumae, and invites all interested members of the empire to visit and learn of its coastal beauty.

Turn 151: Livy has ranked the Roman empire the third-most powerful nation on Earth. As Caesar has listened to his advisers that now is a time to produce culture rather than muscle, he's pleased that the empire is still on track militaristically. Surely Vishnu has blessed the Roman people.

Turn 154: Caesar has been introduced to the beautiful Isabella, leader of the Buddhist empire of Spain. He hopes to establish trade with the faraway nation, but for now is content to allow them to exist and eke out a morsel of land to call their own.

Turn 159: Roman Citizens have discovered Pottery, much to Caesar's delighted surprise. Officials now believe the knowledge to be extremely beneficial to the empire, allowing city planners to construct Granaries to store food in case of famine.

Turn 172: Caesar is pleased to announce that after much prayer and quiet suggestion, Mao Zedong, leader of the Chinese empire, has opted to convert his citizenry to Roman Hinduism. Caesar applauds the gesture and hopes other cultures follow Mao's brave lead.

Turn 179: Rome has once again astounded the world and put trowel to stone, divining the secrets of Masonry. Soon, her cities will be safe from invaders, as walls shall rise as high as an arrow can fly. So decrees Caesar!

Turn 200: Caesar is happy to announce the foundation of Neapolis, a great city founded near the British York. Caesar expects great things from the Neapolitan Citizens, as he hopes their cultural overtures cause Victoria to abandon York thanks to Roman influence. Caesar is wise but dastardly!

Turn 201: Tacitus has named Rome the second-most cultured civilization on Earth, second only to Isabella's Spain. Caesar is pleased with this development, as Victoria's Britain ranks at the bottom, ensuring an easy cultural victory over York.

Turn 215: Our neighbor the Chinese have fell victim to an act of espionage by another civilization. Caesar in his infinite wisdom has decided not to aggravate the situation, and instead counsels Roman operatives to look kindly upon our friends in religion. Praise Caesar!

Turn 219: Roman researchers have discovered Iron Working, elevating the great empire out of the Bronze Age! Caesar shall soon be guarded by great Praetorian soldiers, the envy of the Classical world!

Turn 234: A big turn in Roman history! Not only has the empire mastered Animal Husbandry, but Roman Hinduism is spreading throughout the world at an amazing rate! Caesar is pleased the gods have chosen to smile upon his neighbors, as are we all.

Turn 235: Caesar's Yorker plans are beginning to come to fruition! The city has adopted Roman Hinduism as its official religion. The great Caesar only tented his fingers and smiled. Truly he is a great tactician.

Turn 251: Lord McCauley, likely a British operative, has claimed the Roman empire is but the fourth-most powerful civilization on Earth. We'll see what he has to say about that once York is in Roman hands!

Turn 252: Roman priests have advanced a new theory, Monotheism. This allows Roman Citizens to convert to Judaism, but Caesar counsels against the practice, fearing millennia of persecution should the empire go the way of the Chosen People. After this revelation, Caesar has chosen to adopt Organized Religion, a practice that will help the empire grow and flourish in the coming years. Praise Ganesh!

Turn 259: Neapolis' borders have expanded according to Caesar's plan. York shall soon fall. So says Caesar, so say we all!

Turn 272: Montezuma of the Aztecs has come to Caesar to beg for his assistance in a war against Spain. While Caesar does have designs on one of Spain's possessions, he's not yet ready to traverse the continent to go to war. Montezuma will have to march alone, should he march at all.

Turn 280: Rome has completed the construction of the Temple of Artemis! Citizens of other nations flock to the great building, amazed by its grandeur and beauty. Once again, Caesar has made Rome the envy of the modern world.

Turn 283: Now Isabella, pearl of Spain, has come to Caesar for assistance against Montezuma's attacks. While Caesar feels in a past life this would've been incredibly ironic, he is not swayed by her silky words.

Turn 301: The Venerable Bede has ranked Rome the third-largest civilization on Earth. Caesar is pleased with this, as it means the empire's growth rate is not choking the nation's coffers. In other good news, Roman dockworkers have discovered Sailing, which allows the empire to trade over water borders. Caesar is pleased, as it shall enrich the populace greatly.

Turn 309: Mystics have again proffered a new religious philosophy, the Priesthood. This will allow Rome to spread her Hinduism far and wide, and Caesar is pleased, especially since Roman Hindu temples in Neapolis will further push the Yorkers into his pocket.

Turn 313: Caesar is again proud to announce the foundation of Ravenna. As the empire grows, so does Rome's influence upon other cultures, something all Romans should be proud of on this day!

Turn 318: The newly revamped Julian army has flattened another Latin village to the south of the empire, bringing a litany of gold to the empire's coffers. As a reward, Caesar has eased the tax burden upon the Plebeians for 10 years. Hail, Caesar! Hail the Praetorians!

Turn 328: Rome has created the national treasure The Oracle, and the gods have seen fit to bless the nation with a free technology. Caesar, as leader of the church and demigod on Earth, has opted to be taught the riddles of the Compass by Shiva. He then deigned to teach the blessings to our seafaring Citizens, allowing them to travel farther than every before.

Turn 332: Caesar has entered negotiations with Gilgamesh to exchange Roman knowledge of Polytheism for the Sumerian approach to Meditation. Praise be to Caesar's diplomatic nature!

Turn 335: Caesar has founded Arretium upon the northwestern coast, securing Roman dominance on its peninsula and ushering in a new city for the burgeoning population to enjoy.

Turn 337: Narayana Guru, the Great Prophet, was born in Rome and traveled to Antium, the great Roman Hindu holy city, to aid in the construction of the Kashi Vishwanath. The great temple spreads Rome's influence around the globe, and brings in donations from every Hindu city on the planet, bringing more wealth to the empire. Praise Vishnu!

Turn 351: Pliny has ranked the Roman empire as the second-richest in the world. Truly Caesar's guidance enriches us all! And it is due to that guidance that we have chosen to assist the Aztecs in their conquest of the Spanish empire. Caesar was promised Isabella's hand in marriage if the war goes smoothly, and as Caesar is the greatest of all men, surely his desire is the Roman people's desire. So great was this turn that Rome also discovered Metal Casting, granting the empire access to the Forge, the Trireme, and the Colossus of Rhodes!

Turn 358: Roman scribes have given themselves much more to do this turn, as they've discovered Writing! Gone are the days of chiseling lettering onto stone. Bring on pigments and ink, and all the great discoveries that accompany it!

Turn 362: To celebrate thousands of years of peace with the Chinese, Caesar has opted to grant the miracle of Monotheism upon their culture. Soon, China will fall sway to Rome's beauty and become a vassal state of the great empire. Caesar sees this future as clearly as he sees the hand before his face.

Turn 363: The Julian army has captured the Latin city of Magyar, effectively wiping the Latin people off the map. In his great benevolence, Caesar has opted to install a new governor and welcome the Latins into the Roman empire!

Turn 372: Caesar's diplomatic blitz remains fruitful for the Roman empire. This turn he completed negotiations with Gilgamesh to bring knowledge of the Alphabet to the Roman people, in exchange for knowledge of the paltry Horseback Riding.

Turn 393: The discovery of Theology has catapulted Rome into the Medieval era, ushering in an age of colonialism and scholarship that has heretofore been unfathomable. Christianity has also been founded in Antium. Caesar remains watchful over it, but believes it may be time to construct a Colosseum, just in case.

Turn 401: Livy has rated the Roman empire the most cultured in the world. Caesar looks down upon the rest of the world from his ivory tower and smiles, knowing soon that ivory towers will be constructed in new cities in other empires.

Turn 406: The Juilan army, on its way toward Isabella and Spain, stumbled upon a city founded by the Etruscans, who were previously thought to be eradicated. Caesar quickly dispatched a battalion of Axemen to fix the problem, bringing the city of Chehalis under Roman rule.

Turn 408: Roman scientists have learned a way to codify their results using the principal of Mathematics. It seems as though Rome learns as quickly as most nations forget. Truly she is an empire for the ages!

Turn 415: In an effort to improve relations with our venerable friend Mao Zedong of the Chinese empire, Caesar has seen fit to bestow the wonders of Metal Casting upon the civilization. It is rumored that Mao was so grateful, he wept at Caesar's feet.

Turn 424: So great is the Roman empire that the discovery of Construction took only 16 turns. Other nations must tremble at the great efficiency with with the empire works!

Turn 429: Following Montezuma's lead, Caesar has made peace with Isabella, with nary a shot fired. Caesar hopes his resolve impresses the beautiful Spanish queen.

Turn 441: Caesar once again has favored the olive branch over the arrow and secured a trade of Sumerian Monarchy for the Roman Compass. Truly this is a great and wonderful age to be alive and a Roman! In lieu of this gift of Monarchy, Caesar has decided Rome will adopt a Hereditary Ruling system.

Turn 447: Caesar is proud to announce the construction of the Colossus to all foreign nations! Now all seafarers shall be safe under the watchful eye of the giant statue. Caesar is great to many and all!

Turn 451: Tacitus has declared Rome the third-largest nation in the world, a place with which Caesar is happy, for he knows that an empire too large can tax the purse strings of even the mightiest empire.

Turn 460: Rome is happy to have built the Apostolic Palace, a place for all nations of the world to meet and exchange ideas peacefully. All Caesar asks in return for this gift to the world is a controlling stake in it, and he's sure the world will be happy to oblige.

Turn 461: Caesar is shocked to learn that Gilgamesh received two more votes than he did to become leader of the Apostolic Palace. Mao Zedong, treacherous leader of the Chinese empire, and Victoria, ruler of the backward British, voted against Caesar. This aggression will not stand, and Caesar's ministrations have now begun!
Turn 462: Despite the Apostolic setback, Roman researchers are continuing their quest to be the envy of the world. They've just discovered Machinery, which will be sure to aid Caesar as he prepares to march on London.

Turn 468: Though Caesar remains angry at the Chinese, he's willing to put aside his personal grievances to make trades to the benefit of the empire. He traded knowledge of the Alphabet for Currency and 120 gold, replenishing the empire's coffers just in time for the war effort to begin.

Turn 481: As Caesar continues his preparation for war against the vile Victoria, Gilgamesh has come with his hand out, offering the Code of Laws and 276 gold for the Roman knowledge of Metal Casting. Caesar is happy to oblige, as he respects Gilgamesh for bowing to Caesar.

Turn 484: Roman sailors have learned the way of Optics, allowing the empire to expand to new continents in search of new plunder. After Victoria falls, Caesar is sure to turn his eyes eastward!

Turn 502: War spreads in the west! Gilgamesh has moved on Montezuma, as Montezuma attempts to conquer Spain. Hopefully, the warring nations will be too occupied to interfere with the coming battle in England.

Turn 504: It is time for war! Caesar has assembled 15 battalions of the Julian army outside York. He knew it would be his - he just wasn't sure about the circumstances! In a stunning diplomatic move, Caesar also traded Theology to the Chinese in exchange for their joining the war effort. Caesar is a masterful tactician as well as a stunning dealmaker!

Turn 506: Just in time to aid the war effort, Roman scientists have learned of Civil Service, giving the empire access to Macemen, an advanced military unit. Victoria will pay for her vote, by Shiva, or our great leader's name isn't Julius Caesar!

Turn 509: As the Julian army bombards York, Montezuma comes to the empire's aid and offers knowledge of the Calendar in exchange for a paltry 10 gold and the secret of Metal Casting. Truly a better friend has never been found.

Turn 515: As the war effort continues, Francisco Pizarro, the great general, was born in Rome. He's offered to lend his expertise to the city's barracks, speeding up the rate at which Rome produces its units! The time for Victoria draws night, especially as Mao and the Chinese harass her to the north!

Turn 516: The Chinese have taken York after a long campaign by Roman forces. Caesar is vexed, but vows to continue working with his ally for the remainder of the war. Afterward, he can fix his gaze upon the Chinese.

Turn 517: Gilgamesh again returns in rags, offering untold riches for the right to learn Machinery from Roman scientists. Caesar is happy to oblige, realizing that Gilgamesh and Sumer's time runs short!

Turn 512: Marco Polo, the great merchant, has gone on a trading expedition and earned the empire 3,300 gold, bringing Rome the riches of the rest of the nations of the world combined. Caesar is pleased, as is Rome!

Turn 531: As the march on London commences, Rome has discovered Engineering, granting the civilization the potential to construct the mighty Trebuchet and Pikeman!
Turn 533: London has fallen to the Julian regulars! Victoria is believed to have fled to another British city, but the army is hot on her heels. Caesar was heart laughing triumphantly with his lieutenants as his soldiers plundered the city.

Turn 544: Nottingham has fallen to the might of the Roman empire! Victoria has again slipped away, but Caesar's grip is tightening on her escape route, and it's only a matter of time before the British are wiped from the Earth!

Turn 550: Thus falls Hastings! It's unknown at this time where Victoria may be hiding, but she should rest assured that Caesar's gaze is tireless!

Turn 554: Upon learning that the British capital was on a deserted island, Caesar has contacted Victoria and offered her peace in exchange for her exile. She agreed begrudgingly, and Caesar received her votes. To make matters even better, York has revolted under Chinese rule and is attempting to become a part of the Roman empire as well. Caesar gets what Caesar wants, in due time.

Turn 556: So comes the discovery of Paper. This is just another great boon in Rome's ongoing pursuit of knowledge. Caesar attacks igorance like he attacks his enemies!

Turn 574: Gilgamesh and his herd, the Chinese and Spanish, have moved against one of Rome's oldest friends, Montezuma of the Aztecs. Caesar has opted to remain neutral until the Spanish have capitulated to him, and he takes his Isabella as Shiva foresaw.

Turn 579: Seville has fallen under Roman might without a single casualty befalling the Julian army. Isabella wasn't found, but Caesar remains confident he'll have his bride before 1500 AD. In other glorious news, Cao Cao the great general was born in Antium, and will lend his expertise to the barracks there.

Turn 580: In a bold move, Caesar demanded the concept of Literature from Gilgamesh, who was all too happy to comply to Roman demands. Caesar's stock is strong right now, and he plans on capitalizing.

Turn 584: Antium is a cultural bastion to the rest of the world. The Roman national holiday The Running of the Bulls has caused the great nation's borders to expand wildly, choking back Beijing's influence in the region. Roman mercantilists also discovered Banking, bringing more wealth to the empire.

Turn 586: Down goes Madrid! Down goes Madrid! The Julian regulars continue their march against Spain, aided by the British foreign legion. Isabella's days are numbered. So says Caesar!

Turn 589: Capitulation from the Spanish! Isabella has agreed to return to Rome with Caesar and be his bride in exchange for sparing her people. Such is the way of the world in 1388. Caesar promises to be a faithful husband and protect Spain from all threats, foreign and domestic.

Turn 601: Tacitus has declared Rome the most advanced civilization in the world. Surely his Roman heritage will not cause the other nations to feel slighted. In fact, even Gilgamesh, ruler of the west, frequently comes to Caesar to beg for clues in his nation's research.

Turn 601: Glorious day! Thanks to his conquest, Caesar has been elected leader of the Apostolic Palace. The time has come for his rightful taking of the world's throne. Long has he waited for this moment, and he's declared a national holiday for all citizens and vassals of the Roman empire!

Turn 611: The discovery of Astronomy has given rise to the Renaissance era! The time has come to leave the Dark Ages behind and embrace a new age of enlightened thinking.

Turn 620: And there it is: After years of peaceful relations with Gilgamesh and Montezuma, both declare war on the Roman empire simultaneously. No matter, these dogs will soon learn their place at the feet of their master!

Turn 628: In one fell swoop, the Roman empire lost Hastings and gained Gunpowder. Caesar considers it a fair trade.

Turn 634: Via flanking maneuvers, the Sumerian horde has overrun the Roman army, which until this point hadn't ever encountered any nation with horses. Ain't that some ****?

This game is going to kill me someday. They really need to work on the diplomacy engine for Civ V.

Civ IV: The American Empire, Part 2: The Fall of America

Sat, 14 Mar 2009 18:37:10 -0400

Here is part 2 of America's rise (and fall) in Civ IV, if policy were directed by a modern-day party wonk. You can check out part 1 here.

Turn 390: Atlanta's cultural borders have expanded! Mayor Turner has been handsomely rewarded by the great General Washington with a buffalo farm near the future state of Montana! We've also discovered gold. Gone are the days of our nation living in want. A new era has dawned on the American empire; soon, cash for gold ads will appear in the town crier's repertoire.

Turn 391: Boston, too, is becoming a cultural epicenter in the U.S.! Err, I mean cultural epicentah.

Turn 397: The great inventor of the cultural revolution Mao Zedong has invited us to join them in their war against the Germans. We regretfully declined, citing timing. It's only 397 A.D. And we don't have plans to work against the Teutons for at least another 1,500 years. We did, however, take the opportunity to trade horses for clams, improving the health of our great people and allowing our culinary masters in Boston the chance to invent New England Clam Chowdah. Update: Reports are coming in that we just exchanged the technology of the Calendar for that of Hunting with Mehmed II of the Ottoman empire. Truly a banner year for Americans across the globe!

Turn 401: Gibbon's smear campaign against the Americans continues! It is this turn that he claims the Americans are the least advanced civilization in the world. Such a disgraceful comment from a man whose simian sympathies are clearly on display. Perhaps he believes we're falling behind in our research of peel-less bananas!

Turn 404: War erupts to the east! Mehmed II has declared war on Mansa Musa of the Malinese empire. We're again without the impetus to sound the horns of war. America's War on Barbarians continues, however, as we begin to amass chariots outside the Barbarian city of Sakae, which our intelligencers have discovered is oppressing the common people yearning to breathe free.

Turn 406: America's population has swelled to over 1 million people! Mighty is our size and our military. Specialists have erupted throughout our large urban network, and soon a veritable golden age will wash over our great nation. Pollution is a thing of the past! Or maybe the future!

Turn 408: We are proud to announce we've entered the Bronze Age! Our miners are now advanced enough to toil in two separate operations as we turn fix our scientific gaze upon the art of Metal Casting. Also, despite our opportunity to adopt Slave Labor, America stands resolute against the concept, mostly because it costs extra, but also because slavery is a barbaric construct!

Turn 410: Peace spreads throughout the land! China and Germany have ended their long war, and America is proud to have remained isolationist, as the great General Washington commands!

Turn 421: American scouts have reported that the Chariot garrison stationed outside the Barbarian city of Sakae was fired upon by Archers. Needless to say, a full-scale retaliation has been ordered by General Washington. To battle! Additionally, in response to this dastardly Barbarian attack, we've commissioned our first Spy to ensure our intelligence remains effective in these perilous times.

Turn 422: Victory! Despite the loss of two-thirds of our forces outside Sakae, American Chariots were able to successfully destroy an entire Archer battallion. It's only a matter of time before the city is liberated by our brave troops! We've also just completed construction of the Mausoleum of Maussollos. Since American history classes are not yet the envy of the world, we have no idea what it is, but it adds 10 culture and two Great Artists to our burgeoning empire!

Turn 428: Mehmed II and the Ottomans have asked for American assistance in their coming war against the Malinese. As our troops are currently amassing against the Barbarian horde, we've been forced to decline, but will continue to enjoy watching superpowers to the east destroy each other.

Turn 429: Egads! Another Barbarian city has been spotted to the north. Clearly this is a plot to surround our great nation. We plan to react quickly to this new threat!

Turn 432: Success! We've taken the city of Sakae from the Barbarian menace! Our new governor will be tough but fair, as the leaders of this particular Barbarian cell have been sent to Washington to pay for their war crimes! The Chariot and Axemen units we lost in the war have had their bodies mostly recovered and have received a full military burial outside the newly liberated city!

Turn 434: The Ethopian city of Samsun has had its water supply poisoned by a foreign Spy! General Washington has sent his condolences to the nation and has resolved to increase our counterespionage efforts.

Turn 438: America has grown to 2 million citizens! Truly our growth cannot be stopped by ordinary means! Other nations look upon our size and tremble! And McDonald's hasn't even been invented yet!

Turn 442: We have created a vast array of Libraries throughout our empire, and our scholars have made great use of such a wealth of information! We have used this network to quickly develop the secret of Mysticism. Now our people can be spiritual as well as religious!

Turn 444: Metal Casting is now within our grasp! Our armada of Triremes will cause the seas to churn brown as we patrol our aquatic borders. Onward, researchers, to Machinery!

Turn 449: Our army has easily conquered the Barbarian city of Burgundian! We were able to take control of the city without a single loss. After the hard-fought win in Sakae, a quick stroll down the liberated streets of our new territory is a salve for our troops. Let this be a lesson to all other Barbarians out there: We will find you, and we will save your people from your backward ideology.

Turn 450: We've just come in contact with explorers from China, ruled by Qin Shi Huang. This is confusing, since the China we know is ruled by the great revolutionist Mao Zedong. We are aware of this treachery, and shall focus much attention on wiping these false Chinamen from the Earth. Once we can find where their base of operations is. Update: Just after General Washington met with Qin Shi Huang, he learned that Huang has agreed to work under Mao Zedong as a vassal state. He sent a ceremonial gift basket to the great revolutionary in a congratulatory gesture.

Turn 451: Toynbee's investigative journalism has revealed the Americans to be the fifth-wealthiest civilization in the world. Given that the War on Barbarians has cost us greatly to ensure the safety of our people, we can understand his ranking. But we ask the people: Can you put a price on safety?

Turn 455: America has announced a new defensive strategy and will be replacing all of its Warrior brigades with Spearmen in its cities. The safety of our children is at stake, and we ask all of the peoples of the world to upgrade accordingly.

Turn 456: Our great friend Frederick of Germany has offered us a king's ransom for the secrets of the American alphabet. We're all to eager to share this knowledge with him, as gold is a tough resource to come by. Frederick has also thrown in the concept of Masonry, which our scientists assure us is a valuable technology to possess.

Turn 458: It is the Age of Trade in the world, most assuredly. Mehmed II of the Ottomans has offered us over 200 gold and the knowledge of Currency in exchange for a weekend course on Metal Casting. Given the Ottoman empire's size, we're all too happy to enter into trade negotiations with our longtime friends.

Turn 465: Peace springs eternal! The Malinese and Ottoman empires have announced and end to their hostilities! America once again praises the conflicting nations for ending a long and tragic war.

Turn 471: Mansa Musa has decided to test American mettle! He demands a tribute of one unit of Copper per turn, or he claims we will face consequences. We will not be bullied and have instead offered to trade the Copper for Crab. Once Baltimore is founded, General Washington will be a happy camper indeed!

Turn 480: Perhaps world peace is a dream that won't be realized until we have gained control of the United Nations. China and her vassal states have declared war upon Frederick of Germany. Truly a shame, but America will remain neutral and offer refugees from either side a place to emigrate should they be dispossessed of their homes.

Turn 483: The time has come for America to strike at the German forces. Our Chinese allies have attacked him to the north, and we will come from the west to lay waste to their Barbarian-supporting regime. Frederick must fall to our sword if peace can ever be achieved!

Turn 485: Treachery! Mehmed II has declared war upon us! This cowardly strike will not soon be forgotten! We're mobilizing our troops in retaliation as we speak!

Turn 488: Ottoman forces have taken Harappan, but suffered heavy losses in the attack. Our cities are quickly rebuilding our army and plan to retake the city in short order.

Turn 490: Mansa Musa of the Malinese empire has smelled blood in the water and joined in the Ottoman assault on us. This will not be taken lightly. Mansa Musa's people will soon tremble at the sound of General Washington's footfalls!

Turn 491: Mansa Musa takes Sakae. We wish him best of luck with the unwashed Barbarian commoners clogging the city's streets.

Turn 496: Belisarius was born in New York and the great general has teamed up with General Washington to act as a military specialist in Washington, D.C.! Unfortunately, Ottoman forces are amassing outside of New York, and our unit production has regretfully slowed.

Turn 497: New York has fallen to the enemy siege! We refuse to lose hope, however, and our battalions of Axemen are moments away from retaking our rightful territory.

Turn 501: So-called "Lord" McCauley has ranked the American empire as the least powerful civilization in the world. He'll be brought to his knees once we've repelled our invaders and have conquered their pathetic cities!

Turn 504: We lost Delhi and recaptured it on the same turn, dealing great damage to the Malinese army! Much of their forces lie rotting in the fields outside the city! However, the Ottoman offensive has lost us Boston. However, we consider that a strategic loss, since it's farther away from our capital than, uhh, our capital!

Turn 516: Washington has fallen to the vile Ottomans! However, we refuse to compromise our resolve, as General Washington is known to have escaped to nearby Atlanta. He's now staying with Mayor Turner in his mansion outside the city.

Turn 518: The Ottomans have taken Atlanta! No confirmation yet on how Mayor Turner is faring, but word has it his buffalo farm has been captured for future ransom!

Turn 519: Huzzah! Washington has been retaken and our great General has resumed his post. Mayor Turner is residing with him as we contemplate recapturing New York, Atlanta, Boston, Harappan and Sakae. It's only a matter of time for America to send her enemies back to their backward homes, broken and humbled!

Turn 522: We've lost Philadelphia to the German horde. Things may be looking dire, but we're one major victory away from repelling our invaders. America will never give up! We'll never surrender!

Turn 524: America has learned of Iron Working! Our Swordsmen will now take the field of battle and surely win us this hard-fought war!

Turn 525: Washington has fallen yet again. Our enemy's resolve is weakening as our army refuses to cede territory quietly. Soon shall the war turn in our favor. It's only a matter of time before our Swordsmen finish training. Meanwhile, General Washington and Mayor Turner have relocated to Delhi.

Turn 537: After an exceedingly long battle, Delhi has been taken by a combination of Ottoman and German forces. This great loss has been felt throughout the entire American empire, mostly because it's now down to one city. However, the end is not yet in sight! We're currently reaching out to other civilizations to join the war against this malicious crusade, lest they too fall under their sword. Update: Our requests for aid in the war effort have been rebuffed. America has done nothing to our friends yet are turned away in our time of need!

Turn 542: Burgundian has fallen. Here endeth the American empire.

All in all, this could've gone a lot better, had I not been goofing around as a nationalist dweeb. My technology path was pretty retarded, since I let the game guide me toward the arbitrary UN goal. Combined with spending more money on espionage to finance my Wars on Everything, I was pretty doomed from the get-go. I threw away a lot of units on trying to take Barbarian cities, and a mistake I often make in Civ is not building enough defensive units. Somehow the AI always has a ton of units to throw at me during a war, something I've never really understood. But it was fun, and I'm sorry to see the empire go the way it did.

Gogo America! The Civ IV Liveblog Written by a Party Wonk

Sat, 21 Feb 2009 00:56:46 -0500

I had a few beers this evening and decided to fire up Civilization IV on a lark. After I got a bit established, I found myself thinking in the voice of a propaganda minister, and then like a real party wonk. So rather than doing my normal cultural attack to victory, I decided to approach nation building as though I were a very enthusiastic American of the 21^st century. I decided to ignore conventional research wisdom and instead rush straight toward the United Nations, so I could run it, and therefore set policy for the rest of the world.

What follows is a live blog of the first 2,000 years of the American Empire, if it were to be run by a party-liner today.

Turn 25: Gandhi has approached me and would like to make contact. From the look of his borders, he, like, me only has one city. I briefly consider declaring war on him, but I've only got one Warrior, and if Slumdog Millionaire has taught me anything, it's that Indians are a resourceful people with strikingly pretty teeth. I will watch the Indian with caution and wait to strike.

Turn 27: My Warriors have vanquished a vile horde of lions! Our losses were minimal, and after the fight, I enacted America's first War on Lions. I've taken tax money away from scientific research and spent it on espionage so I can better track what other lions may be up to. I'm sure this is the last time that'll happen in the history of the American Empire.

Turn 29: My first Worker unit has been created. In ancient times, Workers were called Slaves. So I set my Slaves out to till the fields and fend for themselves via the automation command. Even though the greatest generals think logistically, I remember Civ II far too well to want to micromanage 40 Slaves as they build me roads.

Turn 32: This was a banner year for the American Empire. Not only did a smart Fortification of the Warriors in the previous turn yield extremely positive results in a battle with marauding Barbarians, but we discovered Sailing! Soon America will take to the seas to meet new life and civilizations, and coexist peacefully with them while respecting their local cultures.

Turn 34: Hinduism was founded in a far-away land! I wonder who could've done that. I'm looking at you, Gandhi.

Turn 39: Buddhism this time. America has no time for religious pursuits! We are a nation of laws separating church and state. Just ask my Secretary of State Thomas Jefferson, who my Secretary of the Treasury Alexander Hamilton called a promiscuous atheist. It's all OK in Washingtonia, baby!

Turn 41: Tragedy strikes near Washington: A forest fire sparked by lightning has ravaged part of the countryside. To help assuage the peoples' loss, we'll send 4 gold to clear the forest and assist the bereaved. Hopefully the 39^th President will think accordingly.

Turn 43: America tackles animal husbandry! Take that, Catherine the Great!

Turn 49: Our valiant American Warriors have defeated a tribe of malignant bears. Luckily, the money going toward the War on Bears gave us advanced knowledge of their movement and allowed us to prepare for their horrible guerrilla assault.

Turn 51: The polls are in, and the American Empire is ranked the third-most advanced civilizations in the world. No word yet on who Nos. 1 and 2 are. We just don't have the technology. We also completed our second Slave, who's now hard at work improving the landscape around Washington. With any luck we'll have our very own outhouse soon!

Turn 52: Fox News is reporting American Warriors were successful in repelling a wolf attack. Thankfully the War on Wolves has been successful in keep our troops safe abroad. No word yet on what that means for us at home.

Turn 59: Tragedy strikes near Washington this turn, as criminals burn a forest to the ground in an effort to escape the long arm of the law. The great general George Washington has asked Congress to direct funds to the families affected, clearing the forests to make way for farmland, which he promises to get around to researching in a few turns or so.

Turn 60: We've discovered the cow! As we don't yet have Agriculture under our thumb, we'll need to use our Animal Husbandry technology to ride the beasts into battle, creating the slowest milk-producing cavalry in the world. Luckily, this will aid us in the War on Wolves.

Turn 70: Intelligence collected by agents in the War on Bears/Wolves has helped the American Warriors repel a dual attack by both animals. This is the first instance of both groups attacking in tandem, and intelligence experts warn against large bear/wolf hybrids in the future. These animals, known as "wears," are suspected to be the size of bears with the speed and pack mentality of wolves. Citizens are advised to deadbolt their doors at night and to hang their food from high trees.

Turn 72: American Warriors were able to defeat a band of lions, just two turns after the dual wolf/bear attack. Experts don't think the lions are in league with the wolves and bears, but Congress has opted to increase intelligence spending to help prepare the Empire for any other possible offenses.

Turn 80: Thanks to increased efforts within the intelligence community, American Warriors were able to strike first against a band of lions moving near American borders while suffering only minimal losses. The War on Lions has been deemed a complete success by the press, "press" meaning "cave drawings" since no one can read or write yet.

Turn 90: America has discovered Writing, which means this liveblog is officially readable by the ruling class! General Washington was quick to work with Congress to enact laws to keep Slaves from learning the art, believing it would preclude them from their time-honored ditch digging.

Turn 97: America is proud to have founded New York, sister city to the glorious capital Washington!

Turn 101: Liberal blogger Thucydides has completed a compendium of the most advanced civilizations in the world and ranked America last! Clearly, Thucydides doesn't understand the value of good intelligence in the War on Lions! Sure, we're running a small deficit to keep our espionage minister informed, but this surely isn't a long-term habit America will adopt!

Turn 104: Our agents acting on intelligence gathered during the War on India have advised we attack the country and declare formal war. Our American Warriors, veterans of numerous lion, bear and wolf attacks, have moved into India's borders before their Warriors could advance on us! So begins conquest!

Turn 121: America's Operation Indian Freedom has refilled America's coffers, as it's plundered the Indian countryside, leaving the country's entire means of production in waste! Our Warriors have built a fort just near Delhi and are awaiting reinforcements before they storm the walls!

Turn 137: Three American battalions were defeated outside Delhi by the treacherous Indian army. Pundits claim the battalions were defeated by biological warfare, as troops writing home complained about an outbreak of typhoid just before the battle.

Turn 143: Warriors near New York have repelled a band of Indian Explorers, suffering minimal losses. In nearly the same breath, the general was able to make contact with Frederick, leader of the German Empire. Relations currently appear positive, though experts are predicting a great war between the powers sometime in the next 4,000 years.

Turn 147: The War on Lions remains effective. A battalion of Warriors was able to repel the nation's most hated beast on its way to return to the Indian front.

Turn 151: Liberal news source Pliny has declared America to be the least powerful civilization in the world. Clearly Pliny is unaware of the Indians' coming devastation, as more battalions of Warriors prepare their next onslaught!

Turn 157: American Warriors were able to defeat a fortification of Indian Warriors near Delhi! The siege is now underway, and it's only a matter of time before Gandhi and his Indians fall to our mighty onslaught.

Turn 163: A major offensive in the War on India has yielded positive results! Our battalions, though suffering heavy losses, have reduced Delhi's defenses to a skeleton crew. As our cities work to reinforce the front, it's only a matter of time before the Gandhi's evildoers fall to our militaristic might!

Turn 168: The world has entered the Classical Era. America knows not what that means! Also tackled is Mathematics. No longer will our faraway armies be at bay, for we can now construct the mighty fort!

Turn 172: The glorious American army was successful in taking Delhi and overrunning its petulant leader Gandhi. He was found guilty of war crimes against America by military tribunal and put to death in his decadent palace, which was then turned over to his people to enjoy and plunder. Death to India! Glory to America! Praise be to general Washington!

Turn 173: Mehmed II of the Ottomans has stumbled upon our might Empire and wishes to become allies. We have decided to remain cordial with the ruler until he proves unworthy.

Turn 200: The great nation of America has expanded yet again! The coastal city of Boston has been formed, rounding out our southern peninsula. We foresee nothing but good relations with its close neighbor New York.

Turn 201: MSNBC reporter Gibbon has declared America the poorest civilization on the planet. Yeah, like a guy named after a monkey knows what he's talking about. Apparently he's never heard of Keynesian economics. Of course, it's 1490 B.C., so neither have we!

Turn 210: Intelligencers from within the War on Barbarians discovered a tribe taking roots near New York, so the great General Washington has dispatched two batallions to investigate, and if need arises, eliminate the nearby threat.

Turn 214: Clearly the barbarians near New York were more than we bargained for, and defeated the small detachment of American Warriors reconnoitering the area. In response to this blatant act of war, General Washington has dispatched more troops to pacify the area for the safety of the barbarian citizenry.

Turn 218: In a mockery of America's proud separation of church and state, the gods have deemed it fit to destroy State property. New York has lost a pasture, but not the will to defend itself against the barbarian horde!

Turn 221: A barbarian counterattack has been spotted within the borders of the liberated city of Delhi. America has sent battalions to combat the marauders and pacify the region, despite the already significant losses of infrastructure.

Turn 224: The Delhian Defense Force successfully kept barbarians at bay, valiantly defending the city from would-be conquerors. The War on Barbarians continues, but Delhi sleeps safer this turn.

Turn 229: In a compelling act of cooperation between the Delhian Defense Force and American regulars, the barbarian hordes near Delhi have been successfully repelled. General Washington has sent troops to the east to attack the barbarian city believed to be the source of the insurgent attackers.

Turn 235: American forces, on their way to the barbarian city of Harappan, stumbled upon another barbarian fortification and annihilated it with minimal losses.

Turn 239: A fire near Washington is believed to have been caused by remnants of the city American forces pacified in turn 235. As a gesture of good will, General Washington has sent money to the family affected by the blaze to help them rebuild.

Turn 251: The forgettable scribe Machiavelli has completed a list of the most "advanced" civilizations in the world and has the audacity to place America last! Clearly his inability to look beyond his time on Earth will be his downfall. In other news, the great city if Philadelphia has been founded, with mayor Rocky Balboa enjoying a 98 percent approval rating. Truly this is a glorious time for our nation.

Turn 266: Judaism has been founded in a distant land. Bagel consumption is also on the rise. Again, America asserts herself as a land where her citizens are free to practice the religion they choose, so long as they pay their taxes to fund the War on Barbarians.

Turn 270: This turn is truly a great one for the American Empire, for we have made friends with Zara Yaqob, leader of the great Ethiopians! His commitment to the War on Barbarians mirrors that of our own, and surely this scourge upon the earth shall be eradicated by our joint efforts.

Turn 281: America has discovered the secrets of the Calendar! Soon will our days be filled with annual celebrations, centennials, and secular holidays! Also, now is the time to learn to forget your anniversary.

Turn 286: Another glorious turn for a glorious Empire! It is this turn that the Americans neutralized the barbarian threat, though the War on Barbarians is a war with no true end, as long as barbarians exist in the world. However, dark tidings can be met with happy times, as it is this turn we met Mansa Musa, leader of the Malinese Empire. We also installed a governor in Harappan and have begun civilizing the natives.

Turn 296: Treachery is afoot! Spies within the War on Barbarians have reported to General Washington another barbarian encampment threatening our great empire! Luckily, the wise and resourceful leader has sent military emissaries to learn of the problem first hand.

Turn 301: Great scholar Herodotus has deemed the American Empire the second largest in the world. Other civilizations look upon our endless borders and tremble!

Turn 309: America has learned the secrets of The Wheel! Soon our Chariots will roll across the plains of the earth, laying waist to our enemies as they run away in terror!

Turn 317: Atlanta has been founded! The great mayor Ted Turner has been seen around the city cutting various ribbons and riding the indigenous buffalo. General Washington looks upon Mayor Turner fondly, and it's said the two exchange theories on economics often.

Turn 324: Wildfires near the Washingtonian countryside have raged again, but unfortunately the State is too engrossed in the War on Barbarians to be able to spare money for the survivors. However, the Americans are a hearty people and withstand tragedy admirably, picking up and moving to new places of opportunity within the widespread empire.

Turn 331: It is today the Americans make contact with the Chinese emperor Mao Zedong. Truly his wise governance over such an industrious people is something to behold!

Turn 341: Praise be to America! It is this turn the great nation discovered Pottery! No longer will its proud people be forced into huts; adobe is all the rage in the trendy cities, and it won't be long before it reaches the rural Atlanta and Boston.

Turn 349: Despite America's crippling economic problems and striking military units, a successful brokerage of technology was completed today between Mansa Musa and General Washington! Today America gains an Alphabet for the paltry exchange of a Calendar!

Turn 351: Again the barbarian sympathizer Gibbon has ranked America as the least advanced nation in the world. Once again the greatness of General Washington is marginalized by a simian detractor. This aggression will not stand!

Turn 379: Economic problems persist as the War on Barbarians continues to demand more investment. Of course, the cost is high, but imagine the cost to America were the war not fought! Currently, huge armies of workers spread across the nation, improving its infrastructure as the great General Washington finds ways to bring money to the burgeoning empire.

Turn 381: The great emperor Mao Zedong of China has declared war on Frederic of Germany. America has opted out of the war, citing economic hardship. But it waits with bated breath, as does the rest of the world, for the outcome.

Turn 385: America has deciphered the riddle of Mining! Soon the great nation's coffers will be overflowing with gold coins, as a veritable age of reason is sure to begin! Woe be to other nations; look upon America and tremble!

Annnd there's a good place to stop for this evening. Based on the response, I can keep this up as we follow America into the modern age.