Rome Rolls Civ: Julius Caesar's Adventures in Civ IV

Another weekend, another abortive attempt at beating Civ using semi-history as my guide. This is a liveblog of Civ IV from the Roman perspective. You'll notice it ends rather abruptly, because that's when I got fed up with Civ IV's bull**** and went to get really drunk.

Turn 0: Salve, Pueri e Puella! Rome has been founded, and I, Julius Caesar am your great leader. Forget that Romulus and Remus crap! Also, Pompey doesn't exist either because he was a big chode. I am the only Triumvirate! Now is the time to research Mysticism, because what is Rome without her gods? Nothing, I say! Nothing!

Turn 5: Caesar conquers the Etruscans! Caesar conquers the Etruscans! Julian Warriors have destroyed an Etruscan encampment to the north, plundering the knowledge of Agriculture from them. Soon, the rich Italian soil will blossom with farmland as far as the eye can see.

Turn 15: We've made contact with the Chinese empire, led by Mao Zedong. How fitting. He was gracious enough to share noodle recipes with Caesar, but he merely shook his head and laughed, proclaiming Roman red sauce to be superior. Hail marinara!

Turn 18: Montezuma of the Aztecs has reached out to Caesar in hopes of winning his good favor. Caesar remains watchful for now, but encourages fellow Citizens to embrace the Aztecs as potential friends.

Turn 19: "War," cries Caesar, "War! Death to the Chinese usurpers!" And so the Julian army marches upon Beijing. Caesar knows a threat when he sees it, and Citizens are advised to be vigilant of anyone eating Peking duck.

Turn 20: Roman stargazers now have a proper title: Mystics! As our more supernaturally-inclined Citizens look to the heavens, one can only imagine what it is looking back. Luckily, we'll be studying Polytheism next to answer that question.

Turn 21: Victoria of the British has landed on Caesar's door, begging for his wise ministration. Caesar warns of a time when Rome's eye will fall upon Britannia, but feels it's best to keep his enemies close for now.

Turn 26: Another Latin village has fallen to Caesar's army! Scouts were lucky enough to uncover a map of the region, which will benefit Rome greatly.

Turn 28: While wandering the western deserts, Caesar came across Wang Kon of the Korean empire. Caesar greeted the man but continued on his way, warning him to watch out for that Mao guy.

Turn 43: Caesar meets Gilgamesh on his travels. Caesar distinctly remembers reading about the leader when he was in high school, but doesn't let on during their parlay. He resolves to look upon the man with wariness, and doesn't yet make his intentions of global conquest known.

Turn 47: Caesar is proud to form Antium, the second great city of the Roman empire! It's located just west of the capital city, conveniently brushing up against Beijing's cultural border. So begins the culture war!

Turn 48: Members of the Julian Warrior Corps were defeated by a sneak attack of marauding Lions! Caesar isn't yet sure who tipped off the animals, but resolves to place the fallen heroes into the pantheon of Roman memory.

Turn 51: St. Augustine, if that's his real name, has ranked the Roman empire the sixth-most powerful nation in the world. Clearly he's unaware of Caesar's plans for the future. Otherwise, he would have watched his tongue, which will surely be cut out!

Turn 53: Roman Mystics have discovered the secrets of the heavens: Polytheism. This allows Rome to begin following the one true religion, Hinduism. While Caesar initially wanted to name the practice Roman mythology, he knows it is unwise to argue with the gods, so Hinduism it is! Roman scholars now turn their eye to Archery, lending the great empire military superiority for the coming centuries.

Turn 73: Archery is ours! Rome's great thinkers have learned the art of missile combat, granting the empire a great tactical advantage over her rivals. Next on the college of scientists' list: Bronze Working.

Turn 101: Machiavelli, the great Italian kingmaker, has declared Rome the second-most cultured civilization in the world, behind only an unknown civilization. Caesar was pleased with the outcome, publicly musing that Machiavelli was forced to create a new civilization to appear unbiased to the common reader.

Turn 112: Rome has entered the Bronze Age, veritably reinventing the way Roman artisans and military strategists will work forever. Rome now has the option of utilizing the Axeman, who can storm enemy cities with abandon. Up next, by Caesar's decree: the Wheel, since he's tired of walking everywhere.

Turn 134: Roman scientists are once again the envy of the world as the empire now understands the concept of the Wheel. Soon our Chariots will bring speed to the might of the infantry, and Caesar has invited leaders of other nations to look upon our methods of travel in awe.

Turn 135: Caesar is proud to announce to all Citizens the foundation of Cumae, and invites all interested members of the empire to visit and learn of its coastal beauty.

Turn 151: Livy has ranked the Roman empire the third-most powerful nation on Earth. As Caesar has listened to his advisers that now is a time to produce culture rather than muscle, he's pleased that the empire is still on track militaristically. Surely Vishnu has blessed the Roman people.

Turn 154: Caesar has been introduced to the beautiful Isabella, leader of the Buddhist empire of Spain. He hopes to establish trade with the faraway nation, but for now is content to allow them to exist and eke out a morsel of land to call their own.

Turn 159: Roman Citizens have discovered Pottery, much to Caesar's delighted surprise. Officials now believe the knowledge to be extremely beneficial to the empire, allowing city planners to construct Granaries to store food in case of famine.

Turn 172: Caesar is pleased to announce that after much prayer and quiet suggestion, Mao Zedong, leader of the Chinese empire, has opted to convert his citizenry to Roman Hinduism. Caesar applauds the gesture and hopes other cultures follow Mao's brave lead.

Turn 179: Rome has once again astounded the world and put trowel to stone, divining the secrets of Masonry. Soon, her cities will be safe from invaders, as walls shall rise as high as an arrow can fly. So decrees Caesar!

Turn 200: Caesar is happy to announce the foundation of Neapolis, a great city founded near the British York. Caesar expects great things from the Neapolitan Citizens, as he hopes their cultural overtures cause Victoria to abandon York thanks to Roman influence. Caesar is wise but dastardly!

Turn 201: Tacitus has named Rome the second-most cultured civilization on Earth, second only to Isabella's Spain. Caesar is pleased with this development, as Victoria's Britain ranks at the bottom, ensuring an easy cultural victory over York.

Turn 215: Our neighbor the Chinese have fell victim to an act of espionage by another civilization. Caesar in his infinite wisdom has decided not to aggravate the situation, and instead counsels Roman operatives to look kindly upon our friends in religion. Praise Caesar!

Turn 219: Roman researchers have discovered Iron Working, elevating the great empire out of the Bronze Age! Caesar shall soon be guarded by great Praetorian soldiers, the envy of the Classical world!

Turn 234: A big turn in Roman history! Not only has the empire mastered Animal Husbandry, but Roman Hinduism is spreading throughout the world at an amazing rate! Caesar is pleased the gods have chosen to smile upon his neighbors, as are we all.

Turn 235: Caesar's Yorker plans are beginning to come to fruition! The city has adopted Roman Hinduism as its official religion. The great Caesar only tented his fingers and smiled. Truly he is a great tactician.

Turn 251: Lord McCauley, likely a British operative, has claimed the Roman empire is but the fourth-most powerful civilization on Earth. We'll see what he has to say about that once York is in Roman hands!

Turn 252: Roman priests have advanced a new theory, Monotheism. This allows Roman Citizens to convert to Judaism, but Caesar counsels against the practice, fearing millennia of persecution should the empire go the way of the Chosen People. After this revelation, Caesar has chosen to adopt Organized Religion, a practice that will help the empire grow and flourish in the coming years. Praise Ganesh!

Turn 259: Neapolis' borders have expanded according to Caesar's plan. York shall soon fall. So says Caesar, so say we all!

Turn 272: Montezuma of the Aztecs has come to Caesar to beg for his assistance in a war against Spain. While Caesar does have designs on one of Spain's possessions, he's not yet ready to traverse the continent to go to war. Montezuma will have to march alone, should he march at all.

Turn 280: Rome has completed the construction of the Temple of Artemis! Citizens of other nations flock to the great building, amazed by its grandeur and beauty. Once again, Caesar has made Rome the envy of the modern world.

Turn 283: Now Isabella, pearl of Spain, has come to Caesar for assistance against Montezuma's attacks. While Caesar feels in a past life this would've been incredibly ironic, he is not swayed by her silky words.

Turn 301: The Venerable Bede has ranked Rome the third-largest civilization on Earth. Caesar is pleased with this, as it means the empire's growth rate is not choking the nation's coffers. In other good news, Roman dockworkers have discovered Sailing, which allows the empire to trade over water borders. Caesar is pleased, as it shall enrich the populace greatly.

Turn 309: Mystics have again proffered a new religious philosophy, the Priesthood. This will allow Rome to spread her Hinduism far and wide, and Caesar is pleased, especially since Roman Hindu temples in Neapolis will further push the Yorkers into his pocket.

Turn 313: Caesar is again proud to announce the foundation of Ravenna. As the empire grows, so does Rome's influence upon other cultures, something all Romans should be proud of on this day!

Turn 318: The newly revamped Julian army has flattened another Latin village to the south of the empire, bringing a litany of gold to the empire's coffers. As a reward, Caesar has eased the tax burden upon the Plebeians  for 10 years. Hail, Caesar! Hail the Praetorians!

Turn 328: Rome has created the national treasure The Oracle, and the gods have seen fit to bless the nation with a free technology. Caesar, as leader of the church and demigod on Earth, has opted to be taught the riddles of the Compass by Shiva. He then deigned to teach the blessings to our seafaring Citizens, allowing them to travel farther than every before.

Turn 332: Caesar has entered negotiations with Gilgamesh to exchange Roman knowledge of Polytheism for the Sumerian approach to Meditation. Praise be to Caesar's diplomatic nature!

Turn 335: Caesar has founded Arretium upon the northwestern coast, securing Roman dominance on its peninsula and ushering in a new city for the burgeoning population to enjoy.

Turn 337: Narayana Guru, the Great Prophet, was born in Rome and traveled to Antium, the great Roman Hindu holy city, to aid in the construction of the Kashi Vishwanath. The great temple spreads Rome's influence around the globe, and brings in donations from every Hindu city on the planet, bringing more wealth to the empire. Praise Vishnu!

Turn 351: Pliny has ranked the Roman empire as the second-richest in the world. Truly Caesar's guidance enriches us all! And it is due to that guidance that we have chosen to assist the Aztecs in their conquest of the Spanish empire. Caesar was promised Isabella's hand in marriage if the war goes smoothly, and as Caesar is the greatest of all men, surely his desire is the Roman people's desire. So great was this turn that Rome also discovered Metal Casting, granting the empire access to the Forge, the Trireme, and the Colossus of Rhodes!

Turn 358: Roman scribes have given themselves much more to do this turn, as they've discovered Writing! Gone are the days of chiseling lettering onto stone. Bring on pigments and ink, and all the great discoveries that accompany it!

Turn 362: To celebrate thousands of years of peace with the Chinese, Caesar has opted to grant the miracle of Monotheism upon their culture. Soon, China will fall sway to Rome's beauty and become a vassal state of the great empire. Caesar sees this future as clearly as he sees the hand before his face.

Turn 363: The Julian army has captured the Latin city of Magyar, effectively wiping the Latin people off the map. In his great benevolence, Caesar has opted to install a new governor and welcome the Latins into the Roman empire!

Turn 372: Caesar's diplomatic blitz remains fruitful for the Roman empire. This turn he completed negotiations with Gilgamesh to bring knowledge of the Alphabet to the Roman people, in exchange for knowledge of the paltry Horseback Riding.

Turn 393: The discovery of Theology has catapulted Rome into the Medieval era, ushering in an age of colonialism and scholarship that has heretofore been unfathomable. Christianity has also been founded in Antium. Caesar remains watchful over it, but believes it may be time to construct a Colosseum, just in case.

Turn 401: Livy has rated the Roman empire the most cultured in the world. Caesar looks down upon the rest of the world from his ivory tower and smiles, knowing soon that ivory towers will be constructed in new cities in other empires.

Turn 406: The Juilan army, on its way toward Isabella and Spain, stumbled upon a city founded by the Etruscans, who were previously thought to be eradicated. Caesar quickly dispatched a battalion of Axemen to fix the problem, bringing the city of Chehalis under Roman rule.

Turn 408: Roman scientists have learned a way to codify their results using the principal of Mathematics. It seems as though Rome learns as quickly as most nations forget. Truly she is an empire for the ages!

Turn 415: In an effort to improve relations with our venerable friend Mao Zedong of the Chinese empire, Caesar has seen fit to bestow the wonders of Metal Casting upon the civilization. It is rumored that Mao was so grateful, he wept at Caesar's feet.

Turn 424: So great is the Roman empire that the discovery of Construction took only 16 turns. Other nations must tremble at the great efficiency with with the empire works!

Turn 429: Following Montezuma's lead, Caesar has made peace with Isabella, with nary a shot fired. Caesar hopes his resolve impresses the beautiful Spanish queen.

Turn 441: Caesar once again has favored the olive branch over the arrow and secured a trade of Sumerian Monarchy for the Roman Compass. Truly this is a great and wonderful age to be alive and a Roman! In lieu of this gift of Monarchy, Caesar has decided Rome will adopt a Hereditary Ruling system.

Turn 447: Caesar is proud to announce the construction of the Colossus to all foreign nations! Now all seafarers shall be safe under the watchful eye of the giant statue. Caesar is great to many and all!

Turn 451: Tacitus has declared Rome the third-largest nation in the world, a place with which Caesar is happy, for he knows that an empire too large can tax the purse strings of even the mightiest empire.

Turn 460: Rome is happy to have built the Apostolic Palace, a place for all nations of the world to meet and exchange ideas peacefully. All Caesar asks in return for this gift to the world is a controlling stake in it, and he's sure the world will be happy to oblige.

Turn 461: Caesar is shocked to learn that Gilgamesh received two more votes than he did to become leader of the Apostolic Palace. Mao Zedong, treacherous leader of the Chinese empire, and Victoria, ruler of the backward British, voted against Caesar. This aggression will not stand, and Caesar's ministrations have now begun!
Turn 462: Despite the Apostolic setback, Roman researchers are continuing their quest to be the envy of the world. They've just discovered Machinery, which will be sure to aid Caesar as he prepares to march on London.

Turn 468: Though Caesar remains angry at the Chinese, he's willing to put aside his personal grievances to make trades to the benefit of the empire. He traded knowledge of the Alphabet for Currency and 120 gold, replenishing the empire's coffers just in time for the war effort to begin.

Turn 481: As Caesar continues his preparation for war against the vile Victoria, Gilgamesh has come with his hand out, offering the Code of Laws and 276 gold for the Roman knowledge of Metal Casting. Caesar is happy to oblige, as he respects Gilgamesh for bowing to Caesar.

Turn 484: Roman sailors have learned the way of Optics, allowing the empire to expand to new continents in search of new plunder. After Victoria falls, Caesar is sure to turn his eyes eastward!

Turn 502: War spreads in the west! Gilgamesh has moved on Montezuma, as Montezuma attempts to conquer Spain. Hopefully, the warring nations will be too occupied to interfere with the coming battle in England.

Turn 504: It is time for war! Caesar has assembled 15 battalions of the Julian army outside York. He knew it would be his - he just wasn't sure about the circumstances! In a stunning diplomatic move, Caesar also traded Theology to the Chinese in exchange for their joining the war effort. Caesar is a masterful tactician as well as a stunning dealmaker!

Turn 506: Just in time to aid the war effort, Roman scientists have learned of Civil Service, giving the empire access to Macemen, an advanced military unit. Victoria will pay for her vote, by Shiva, or our great leader's name isn't Julius Caesar!

Turn 509: As the Julian army bombards York, Montezuma comes to the empire's aid and offers knowledge of the Calendar in exchange for a paltry 10 gold and the secret of Metal Casting. Truly a better friend has never been found.

Turn 515: As the war effort continues, Francisco Pizarro, the great general, was born in Rome. He's offered to lend his expertise to the city's barracks, speeding up the rate at which Rome produces its units! The time for Victoria draws night, especially as Mao and the Chinese harass her to the north!

Turn 516: The Chinese have taken York after a long campaign by Roman forces. Caesar is vexed, but vows to continue working with his ally for the remainder of the war. Afterward, he can fix his gaze upon the Chinese.

Turn 517: Gilgamesh again returns in rags, offering untold riches for the right to learn Machinery from Roman scientists. Caesar is happy to oblige, realizing that Gilgamesh and Sumer's time runs short!

Turn 512: Marco Polo, the great merchant, has gone on a trading expedition and earned the empire 3,300 gold, bringing Rome the riches of the rest of the nations of the world combined. Caesar is pleased, as is Rome!

Turn 531: As the march on London commences, Rome has discovered Engineering, granting the civilization the potential to construct the mighty Trebuchet and Pikeman!
Turn 533: London has fallen to the Julian regulars! Victoria is believed to have fled to another British city, but the army is hot on her heels. Caesar was heart laughing triumphantly with his lieutenants as his soldiers plundered the city.

Turn 544: Nottingham has fallen to the might of the Roman empire! Victoria has again slipped away, but Caesar's grip is tightening on her escape route, and it's only a matter of time before the British are wiped from the Earth!

Turn 550: Thus falls Hastings! It's unknown at this time where Victoria may be hiding, but she should rest assured that Caesar's gaze is tireless!

Turn 554: Upon learning that the British capital was on a deserted island, Caesar has contacted Victoria and offered her peace in exchange for her exile. She agreed begrudgingly, and Caesar received her votes. To make matters even better, York has revolted under Chinese rule and is attempting to become a part of the Roman empire as well. Caesar gets what Caesar wants, in due time.

Turn 556: So comes the discovery of Paper. This is just another great boon in Rome's ongoing pursuit of knowledge. Caesar attacks igorance like he attacks his enemies!

Turn 574: Gilgamesh and his herd, the Chinese and Spanish, have moved against one of Rome's oldest friends, Montezuma of the Aztecs. Caesar has opted to remain neutral until the Spanish have capitulated to him, and he takes his Isabella as Shiva foresaw.

Turn 579: Seville has fallen under Roman might without a single casualty befalling the Julian army. Isabella wasn't found, but Caesar remains confident he'll have his bride before 1500 AD. In other glorious news, Cao Cao the great general was born in Antium, and will lend his expertise to the barracks there.

Turn 580: In a bold move, Caesar demanded the concept of Literature from Gilgamesh, who was all too happy to comply to Roman demands. Caesar's stock is strong right now, and he plans on capitalizing.

Turn 584: Antium is a cultural bastion to the rest of the world. The Roman national holiday The Running of the Bulls has caused the great nation's borders to expand wildly, choking back Beijing's influence in the region. Roman mercantilists also discovered Banking, bringing more wealth to the empire.

Turn 586: Down goes Madrid! Down goes Madrid! The Julian regulars continue their march against Spain, aided by the British foreign legion. Isabella's days are numbered. So says Caesar!

Turn 589: Capitulation from the Spanish! Isabella has agreed to return to Rome with Caesar and be his bride in exchange for sparing her people. Such is the way of the world in 1388. Caesar promises to be a faithful husband and protect Spain from all threats, foreign and domestic.

Turn 601: Tacitus has declared Rome the most advanced civilization in the world. Surely his Roman heritage will not cause the other nations to feel slighted. In fact, even Gilgamesh, ruler of the west, frequently comes to Caesar to beg for clues in his nation's research.

Turn 601: Glorious day! Thanks to his conquest, Caesar has been elected leader of the Apostolic Palace. The time has come for his rightful taking of the world's throne. Long has he waited for this moment, and he's declared a national holiday for all citizens and vassals of the Roman empire!

Turn 611: The discovery of Astronomy has given rise to the Renaissance era! The time has come to leave the Dark Ages behind and embrace a new age of enlightened thinking.

Turn 620: And there it is: After years of peaceful relations with Gilgamesh and Montezuma, both declare war on the Roman empire simultaneously. No matter, these dogs will soon learn their place at the feet of their master!

Turn 628: In one fell swoop, the Roman empire lost Hastings and gained Gunpowder. Caesar considers it a fair trade.

Turn 634: Via flanking maneuvers, the Sumerian horde has overrun the Roman army, which until this point hadn't ever encountered any nation with horses. Ain't that some ****?

This game is going to kill me someday. They really need to work on the diplomacy engine for Civ V.