Gogo America! The Civ IV Liveblog Written by a Party Wonk

I had a few beers this evening and decided to fire up Civilization IV on a lark. After I got a bit established, I found myself thinking in the voice of a propaganda minister, and then like a real party wonk. So rather than doing my normal cultural attack to victory, I decided to approach nation building as though I were a very enthusiastic American of the 21^st century. I decided to ignore conventional research wisdom and instead rush straight toward the United Nations, so I could run it, and therefore set policy for the rest of the world.

What follows is a live blog of the first 2,000 years of the American Empire, if it were to be run by a party-liner today.

Turn 25: Gandhi has approached me and would like to make contact. From the look of his borders, he, like, me only has one city. I briefly consider declaring war on him, but I've only got one Warrior, and if Slumdog Millionaire has taught me anything, it's that Indians are a resourceful people with strikingly pretty teeth. I will watch the Indian with caution and wait to strike.

Turn 27: My Warriors have vanquished a vile horde of lions! Our losses were minimal, and after the fight, I enacted America's first War on Lions. I've taken tax money away from scientific research and spent it on espionage so I can better track what other lions may be up to. I'm sure this is the last time that'll happen in the history of the American Empire.

Turn 29: My first Worker unit has been created. In ancient times, Workers were called Slaves. So I set my Slaves out to till the fields and fend for themselves via the automation command. Even though the greatest generals think logistically, I remember Civ II far too well to want to micromanage 40 Slaves as they build me roads.

Turn 32: This was a banner year for the American Empire. Not only did a smart Fortification of the Warriors in the previous turn yield extremely positive results in a battle with marauding Barbarians, but we discovered Sailing! Soon America will take to the seas to meet new life and civilizations, and coexist peacefully with them while respecting their local cultures.

Turn 34: Hinduism was founded in a far-away land! I wonder who could've done that. I'm looking at you, Gandhi.

Turn 39: Buddhism this time. America has no time for religious pursuits! We are a nation of laws separating church and state. Just ask my Secretary of State Thomas Jefferson, who my Secretary of the Treasury Alexander Hamilton called a promiscuous atheist. It's all OK in Washingtonia, baby!

Turn 41: Tragedy strikes near Washington: A forest fire sparked by lightning has ravaged part of the countryside. To help assuage the peoples' loss, we'll send 4 gold to clear the forest and assist the bereaved. Hopefully the 39^th President will think accordingly.

Turn 43: America tackles animal husbandry! Take that, Catherine the Great!

Turn 49: Our valiant American Warriors have defeated a tribe of malignant bears. Luckily, the money going toward the War on Bears gave us advanced knowledge of their movement and allowed us to prepare for their horrible guerrilla assault.

Turn 51: The polls are in, and the American Empire is ranked the third-most advanced civilizations in the world. No word yet on who Nos. 1 and 2 are. We just don't have the technology. We also completed our second Slave, who's now hard at work improving the landscape around Washington. With any luck we'll have our very own outhouse soon!

Turn 52: Fox News is reporting American Warriors were successful in repelling a wolf attack. Thankfully the War on Wolves has been successful in keep our troops safe abroad. No word yet on what that means for us at home.

Turn 59: Tragedy strikes near Washington this turn, as criminals burn a forest to the ground in an effort to escape the long arm of the law. The great general George Washington has asked Congress to direct funds to the families affected, clearing the forests to make way for farmland, which he promises to get around to researching in a few turns or so.

Turn 60: We've discovered the cow! As we don't yet have Agriculture under our thumb, we'll need to use our Animal Husbandry technology to ride the beasts into battle, creating the slowest milk-producing cavalry in the world. Luckily, this will aid us in the War on Wolves.

Turn 70: Intelligence collected by agents in the War on Bears/Wolves has helped the American Warriors repel a dual attack by both animals. This is the first instance of both groups attacking in tandem, and intelligence experts warn against large bear/wolf hybrids in the future. These animals, known as "wears," are suspected to be the size of bears with the speed and pack mentality of wolves. Citizens are advised to deadbolt their doors at night and to hang their food from high trees.

Turn 72: American Warriors were able to defeat a band of lions, just two turns after the dual wolf/bear attack. Experts don't think the lions are in league with the wolves and bears, but Congress has opted to increase intelligence spending to help prepare the Empire for any other possible offenses.

Turn 80: Thanks to increased efforts within the intelligence community, American Warriors were able to strike first against a band of lions moving near American borders while suffering only minimal losses. The War on Lions has been deemed a complete success by the press, "press" meaning "cave drawings" since no one can read or write yet.

Turn 90: America has discovered Writing, which means this liveblog is officially readable by the ruling class! General Washington was quick to work with Congress to enact laws to keep Slaves from learning the art, believing it would preclude them from their time-honored ditch digging.

Turn 97: America is proud to have founded New York, sister city to the glorious capital Washington!

Turn 101: Liberal blogger Thucydides has completed a compendium of the most advanced civilizations in the world and ranked America last! Clearly, Thucydides doesn't understand the value of good intelligence in the War on Lions! Sure, we're running a small deficit to keep our espionage minister informed, but this surely isn't a long-term habit America will adopt!

Turn 104: Our agents acting on intelligence gathered during the War on India have advised we attack the country and declare formal war. Our American Warriors, veterans of numerous lion, bear and wolf attacks, have moved into India's borders before their Warriors could advance on us! So begins conquest!

Turn 121: America's Operation Indian Freedom has refilled America's coffers, as it's plundered the Indian countryside, leaving the country's entire means of production in waste! Our Warriors have built a fort just near Delhi and are awaiting reinforcements before they storm the walls!

Turn 137: Three American battalions were defeated outside Delhi by the treacherous Indian army. Pundits claim the battalions were defeated by biological warfare, as troops writing home complained about an outbreak of typhoid just before the battle.

Turn 143: Warriors near New York have repelled a band of Indian Explorers, suffering minimal losses. In nearly the same breath, the general was able to make contact with Frederick, leader of the German Empire. Relations currently appear positive, though experts are predicting a great war between the powers sometime in the next 4,000 years.

Turn 147: The War on Lions remains effective. A battalion of Warriors was able to repel the nation's most hated beast on its way to return to the Indian front.

Turn 151: Liberal news source Pliny has declared America to be the least powerful civilization in the world. Clearly Pliny is unaware of the Indians' coming devastation, as more battalions of Warriors prepare their next onslaught!

Turn 157: American Warriors were able to defeat a fortification of Indian Warriors near Delhi! The siege is now underway, and it's only a matter of time before Gandhi and his Indians fall to our mighty onslaught.

Turn 163: A major offensive in the War on India has yielded positive results! Our battalions, though suffering heavy losses, have reduced Delhi's defenses to a skeleton crew. As our cities work to reinforce the front, it's only a matter of time before the Gandhi's evildoers fall to our militaristic might!

Turn 168: The world has entered the Classical Era. America knows not what that means! Also tackled is Mathematics. No longer will our faraway armies be at bay, for we can now construct the mighty fort!

Turn 172: The glorious American army was successful in taking Delhi and overrunning its petulant leader Gandhi. He was found guilty of war crimes against America by military tribunal and put to death in his decadent palace, which was then turned over to his people to enjoy and plunder. Death to India! Glory to America! Praise be to general Washington!

Turn 173: Mehmed II of the Ottomans has stumbled upon our might Empire and wishes to become allies. We have decided to remain cordial with the ruler until he proves unworthy.

Turn 200: The great nation of America has expanded yet again! The coastal city of Boston has been formed, rounding out our southern peninsula. We foresee nothing but good relations with its close neighbor New York.

Turn 201: MSNBC reporter Gibbon has declared America the poorest civilization on the planet. Yeah, like a guy named after a monkey knows what he's talking about. Apparently he's never heard of Keynesian economics. Of course, it's 1490 B.C., so neither have we!

Turn 210: Intelligencers from within the War on Barbarians discovered a tribe taking roots near New York, so the great General Washington has dispatched two batallions to investigate, and if need arises, eliminate the nearby threat.

Turn 214: Clearly the barbarians near New York were more than we bargained for, and defeated the small detachment of American Warriors reconnoitering the area. In response to this blatant act of war, General Washington has dispatched more troops to pacify the area for the safety of the barbarian citizenry.

Turn 218: In a mockery of America's proud separation of church and state, the gods have deemed it fit to destroy State property. New York has lost a pasture, but not the will to defend itself against the barbarian horde!

Turn 221: A barbarian counterattack has been spotted within the borders of the liberated city of Delhi. America has sent battalions to combat the marauders and pacify the region, despite the already significant losses of infrastructure.

Turn 224: The Delhian Defense Force successfully kept barbarians at bay, valiantly defending the city from would-be conquerors. The War on Barbarians continues, but Delhi sleeps safer this turn.

Turn 229: In a compelling act of cooperation between the Delhian Defense Force and American regulars, the barbarian hordes near Delhi have been successfully repelled. General Washington has sent troops to the east to attack the barbarian city believed to be the source of the insurgent attackers.

Turn 235: American forces, on their way to the barbarian city of Harappan, stumbled upon another barbarian fortification and annihilated it with minimal losses.

Turn 239: A fire near Washington is believed to have been caused by remnants of the city American forces pacified in turn 235. As a gesture of good will, General Washington has sent money to the family affected by the blaze to help them rebuild.

Turn 251: The forgettable scribe Machiavelli has completed a list of the most "advanced" civilizations in the world and has the audacity to place America last! Clearly his inability to look beyond his time on Earth will be his downfall. In other news, the great city if Philadelphia has been founded, with mayor Rocky Balboa enjoying a 98 percent approval rating. Truly this is a glorious time for our nation.

Turn 266: Judaism has been founded in a distant land. Bagel consumption is also on the rise. Again, America asserts herself as a land where her citizens are free to practice the religion they choose, so long as they pay their taxes to fund the War on Barbarians.

Turn 270: This turn is truly a great one for the American Empire, for we have made friends with Zara Yaqob, leader of the great Ethiopians! His commitment to the War on Barbarians mirrors that of our own, and surely this scourge upon the earth shall be eradicated by our joint efforts.

Turn 281: America has discovered the secrets of the Calendar! Soon will our days be filled with annual celebrations, centennials, and secular holidays! Also, now is the time to learn to forget your anniversary.

Turn 286: Another glorious turn for a glorious Empire! It is this turn that the Americans neutralized the barbarian threat, though the War on Barbarians is a war with no true end, as long as barbarians exist in the world. However, dark tidings can be met with happy times, as it is this turn we met Mansa Musa, leader of the Malinese Empire. We also installed a governor in Harappan and have begun civilizing the natives.

Turn 296: Treachery is afoot! Spies within the War on Barbarians have reported to General Washington another barbarian encampment threatening our great empire! Luckily, the wise and resourceful leader has sent military emissaries to learn of the problem first hand.

Turn 301: Great scholar Herodotus has deemed the American Empire the second largest in the world. Other civilizations look upon our endless borders and tremble!

Turn 309: America has learned the secrets of The Wheel! Soon our Chariots will roll across the plains of the earth, laying waist to our enemies as they run away in terror!

Turn 317: Atlanta has been founded! The great mayor Ted Turner has been seen around the city cutting various ribbons and riding the indigenous buffalo. General Washington looks upon Mayor Turner fondly, and it's said the two exchange theories on economics often.

Turn 324: Wildfires near the Washingtonian countryside have raged again, but unfortunately the State is too engrossed in the War on Barbarians to be able to spare money for the survivors. However, the Americans are a hearty people and withstand tragedy admirably, picking up and moving to new places of opportunity within the widespread empire.

Turn 331: It is today the Americans make contact with the Chinese emperor Mao Zedong. Truly his wise governance over such an industrious people is something to behold!

Turn 341: Praise be to America! It is this turn the great nation discovered Pottery! No longer will its proud people be forced into huts; adobe is all the rage in the trendy cities, and it won't be long before it reaches the rural Atlanta and Boston.

Turn 349: Despite America's crippling economic problems and striking military units, a successful brokerage of technology was completed today between Mansa Musa and General Washington! Today America gains an Alphabet for the paltry exchange of a Calendar!

Turn 351: Again the barbarian sympathizer Gibbon has ranked America as the least advanced nation in the world. Once again the greatness of General Washington is marginalized by a simian detractor. This aggression will not stand!

Turn 379: Economic problems persist as the War on Barbarians continues to demand more investment. Of course, the cost is high, but imagine the cost to America were the war not fought! Currently, huge armies of workers spread across the nation, improving its infrastructure as the great General Washington finds ways to bring money to the burgeoning empire.

Turn 381: The great emperor Mao Zedong of China has declared war on Frederic of Germany. America has opted out of the war, citing economic hardship. But it waits with bated breath, as does the rest of the world, for the outcome.

Turn 385: America has deciphered the riddle of Mining! Soon the great nation's coffers will be overflowing with gold coins, as a veritable age of reason is sure to begin! Woe be to other nations; look upon America and tremble!

Annnd there's a good place to stop for this evening. Based on the response, I can keep this up as we follow America into the modern age.