Top Ten Wanted and Unwanted Environments

(Article Disclaimer: The opinions and theories put forth in these articles are purely the result of the authors twisted mind. If you fail to agree with its statements, or find anything you read offensive to you, then you probably just need a vacation. I suggest Columbia, and remember that only pansies vaccinate.)

Though Flagship Studios will go down in history as one of the most floptastic fiscal failures since fondue footwear, Hellgate did teach us one vital thing: grey is not the new black.

We may be playing a game that encompasses a hellish theme of death and destruction, but that doesn't mean we want to see wrecked streets and mouldy sewers in every single act... and nothing else. We need variety! We need colour! We don't want to spend half a game waist deep in poopy!

Of course, that doesn't mean we want our devastation to be littered with daffodils and rainbows either: the reaction to Diablo 3's gameplay video proved this. When it comes to choosing appropriate medieval environments to explore, Diablo players have very high expectations. Too dark, things get as monotonous as heck. Too bright and we might as well be playing "Hello Kitty: Dungeon Adventure" (a.k.a Mythos).

So how can Blizzard possibly please us; the vocal, demanding community that supports them? Well, it's all about balance. Between colour and horror, tension and texture, fear and... flowers. As long as each 'pretty' thing is counteracted with something so gory it'd make your grandmother chunder, we won't be so inclined to whine.

Let's explore ten possible environments - five good, five lame - and see what the heroes of Diablo have come to expect from their favourite gaming world. And remember, if you don't agree with me, you probably think Disneyland is cool. (Wtf are Churro's anyway?)

Good - Deserts and Wastelands

            

This one is obvious, and already confirmed as a D3 terrain. After the success of Lut Gholein, its little wonder they decided to bring it back. But what features make us desire what is essentially a barren sandpit? Wouldn't putting grit down our cracks and inhaling dust for hours accurately simulate the experience?

Firstly, deserts are one of those rare places where the environment itself is just as deadly as the creatures that inhabit it. By day, the blistering heat could scorch the back-hair off even the toughest Barbarian (or Barbari-women), making them wonder if undies of steel were such a good idea after all. By night the temperature drops below zero, not only causing a very adverse reaction to the old wedding tackle, but making it possible to fight battles with your erect nipples alone.

On the upside, wastelands are also exceedingly beautiful in their own special way. Imagine the effects that could be done with D3's stunning new engine. Shimmering heat effects, glistening mirages, dust storms, cacti, the ancient and decaying ruins of Aranoch's civilisation past. Daytime would be a picnic of colourful desert scenery!

The balance would come from the night time. That's when things could start getting creepy. Darkness closing in from all sides, the howling of beasts in the background, Desert Marauders stalking the dunes on a moonlight raid. Who knows what could be skulking in the shadows? Heck, even total silence would help up the tension: isolation in a wasteland is a very unnerving thing.

The second feature that makes deserts such a worthy environment is the previously mentioned wildlife. Creatures that can live in such a harsh climate have to be almost unnaturally tough, not just to survive the extreme heat and cold, but each other too. We can expect to meet all sorts of thick skinned reptiles, giant venomous insects and nocturnal mammals. Nothing better to test the old battle prowess.

Either way, returning to Aranoch's brutal and unforgiving landscape is certainly going to be fun in D3. Especially since they took the Leapers out... stupid freakin' Chihuahuas.

Bad - Tropical Paradise

Sand in a desert is one thing. Sand on a beach is something entirely different.

In the real world, beaches are littered with hazards; sharks, jellyfish, riptides, scantily clad women with giant boyfriends. But in Diablo, I doubt any of that would translate effectively. Despite what Lost might want you to think, there's nothing scary about a beach environment. Except maybe the morbidly obese sunbathing.

A tropical paradise, while visually stunning, would definitely not suit the Diablo mood, and would probably cause a 'Palm-tree Panic' even larger then the 'Rainbow Rage' we saw earlier. What type of enemies would we face? The odd crab? A polar bear (scoff)? A high level risk of developing skin cancer? (Status Change: Melanoma - Health Orbs ain't fixing that, buddy)

That said... I wouldn't be entirely apposed to an unofficial mod some time in the future... think of the possibilities! "Diablo: Xtreme Volleyball" anyone? Beach sports have never been more deadly.

Nice! - Forests

                       

The forest environment is ideal because it has a nice balance of everything. It's not too dense, so we don't have to stick to pre-made routes (animal tracks, rivers) in order to travel through it, but it's not too sparse either. There's just enough trees to form a canopy, creating a more enclosed, claustrophobic feel, while allowing a huge range of visual effects.

With the massive advancements in lighting technology, all sorts of beauty can be achieved: light rays trickling through the trees tops, soft shadows dappling on ferns, leaves fluttering around in the breeze. Pretty, yet at the same time ominous in a strange, stifling kind of way. And that's just in the day time!

Anyone who's watched the Blair Witch Project (she is, in fact, my third cousin... she's really not that bad) will understand how spooky a forest can get. Blizzard has mountains of room to run amok here. We're talking glowing eyes glaring at us in the darkness, more unearthly sounds then we can handle, trees with a life of their own (already confirmed) and rustling in the bushes that we can never seem to pinpoint. What's lurking in the undergrowth... waiting... watching... hunting us?

In short: plenty. A fantasy forest environment can feature anything from the fabled Bigfoot to an overly vicious and territorial hedgehog (yes Quill Rats, we haven't forgotten you). Wolves, trolls, snakes, bears... anything that doesn't resemble WoW too closely will probably be accepted.

D3 really needs a proper forest, and I don't mean the "small cluster of trees" thing Diablo 2 tried to pull off. That's not a forest, that's a hedge! A few entire levels would be nice, complete with plenty of animal lairs to explore. There's always some giant beast that enjoys being a reclusive treasure hoarder apparently...

Lame - Farmland

                               

Farmland is a staple for many action RPG's: Dungeon Siege started with it, as did Titan Quest. And to its credit, it is quite nice. Who doesn't like to skip through fields of flowing wheat while gleefully pushing over cows and chasing rabbits among the tussocks? Well, people who don't have a disturbing affinity with corn, to start with.

The Farmlands are a great 'beginner' environment, that help ease new players into the game gradually. They're a non-threatening, almost comforting area to learn in. But ask yourself: is that Diablo? Really?

The answer is no. Diablo is not a "nice" game. It doesn't want to hold your hand and gradually lead you into the action saying "Shh shh, there there. I'm here for you." But that's ok, because we want our Diablo to be mean. Almost downright cruel. We want to start up the game and get swarmed by evil demons, just like the gameplay video showed us. We want to learn the ropes under duress, forced to accustom ourselves to its features and quirks while fending off hordes of rabid Fallen with a fork.

Things need to be tense from the get-go, and players want to feel like their life is in danger. Farmlands just don't provide that. So here's hoping we start off somewhere appropriate, like the torture chambers of King Leoric's castle, fighting our way through zealots and cursed Blood Knights wearing nothing but our trusty cracked sash. Oh, and the steel undies. Naturally.

Sweet! - Ancient Lost Ruins

                          

The world of Sanctuary is full of interesting and mysterious ruins. There's the remains of Mephisto's temple, destroyed when the vain Angel, Inarius, grew overly confident and sort to flex his heavenly muscle. Then, further up, we find what's left of Inarius' crystal cathedral, flattened after Mephisto turned up to show the little ***** who was boss.

We now also have the Arreat Crater, made when the Worldstone blew up. Harrogath may not be inhabitable anymore, but surely there's something left of it. Wouldn't it be interesting to go back and pick through the wreckage... perhaps the Barbarians were protecting more then just the mountain? A lot can be hidden underground, after all. Like the Tristram catacombs. How are they looking since Lazarus and the Lord of Terror set things in motion twenty years ago?

Exploring ruins and plundering tombs always makes for some fun and potentially deadly environments; it's like we're digging through history! Seeking treasure and discovering what became of long lost civilisation just makes the experience all that more rewarding.

Plus there's the added bonus of these places being haunted by more then just the occasional beast seeking shelter. Sometimes the dead aren't in a hurry to leave. Poltergeists in the attic? Zombies in the basement? More like soul-hungry wraiths breathing down your neck!

It all sounds good to me... as long as they're not stackable.

Le Suck - Ancient Lost Futuristic Ruins

                     

Ancient medieval ruins? Great! Ancient futuristic ruins? Hmm... not so much.

We've all heard tales of Atlantis, the supposedly super-advanced city that sank beneath the waves in our world. Perhaps something like that exists in Sanctuary too? An entire society that once had technology like electricity, fire arms, motorised vehicles and coffee machines. Wouldn't it be fun to stumble across that and explore its rusty past?

Once again, the answer is in fact 'no'.

"But why?" I hear you whine. "That'd be so cool, and maybe we could get some guns into the game!" Well firstly: shut up, this is my article, not yours. Go write a "Guns Should Be In Diablo Because!" argument if you want them that badly.

The truth is that we've never seen anything technological in the Diablo universe (apart from Larzuk's "crazy" suggestions). It's always been a world based around magic and mythology, and that's how we like it. Medieval worlds should stay that way; the second you try to introduce science fiction elements to them, something changes. It's hard to explain, but it's like an essential piece of what they are disappears. The world's identity blurs, crossing from 'fantasy' into 'far-fetched'. If you need an example, just look at the last Indiana Jones movie.

Diablo is about a war between Heaven and Hell, with Sanctuary as the unwitting pawn stuck between. Introduce an excess of science, realism or, heaven forbid, aliens, and you might as well spit in your player's faces. Wizard cat says: DO NOT WANT.

Oooohh Yeah - Corrupted Regions

                          

Evil seeks to destroy, but it isn't stupid. Why kill something completely when you can convert it too your cause instead? That way it can serve you and further your plans!

While this is usually associated with living creatures - e.g. beasts, birds, and ditzy-but-well-endowed brunettes - this can also be true of the land itself. Imagine travelling through a lush environment at one point in the game, rich with life and vegetation, only to come back at a later point and find a dark corruption starting to twist things before your eyes.

Animals become demented beings, plants and trees take on a viscous persona, preferring to drink the blood of innocents then partake in some less harmful bouts of photosynthesis. Even a tranquil river could become an oozing cesspool, bubbling with disease and devil spawn. I doubt there'd be any room for rainbows there.

Corrupted regions are fantastic in-game environments, simply for the fact that they are unpredictable. We have no idea what kinds of monsters will be produced, or how long the effects will last. At any moment the ground could burst open to reveal a slimy monstrosity that was once a humble earthworm!

Evil influence can mutate into all sorts of possibilities, and is a simple way to "recreate" tilesets we've already visited once before. It'll also provide a tension boost in places deemed 'too pretty' for a Diablo game otherwise. Nothing like a few homicidal rabbits to spoil your merry jaunt through Venus Mantrap Meadow. I dare you to complain about those flowers.

Pretty Crap Actually - Endless Jails, Sewers and Catacombs

               

Did you go back and play Diablo 2 after D3's announcement? Did you start a new character? If so, what did you say to yourself when you arrived at the Rogue Citadel: "Yay! Only six levels of jails and catacombs until Andariel! Let's go!" or "Bloody hell, six levels of dark, samey, randomly generated corridors. Where the hell are those goddam stairs? Actually f**k that, can anyone TP me to Andariel?"

If you said choice one, you're very, very easily pleased, and probably still playing Hellgate with joyous abandon. If you said choice two; congratulations! You're a normal human and realise that multiple levels of the same dungeon over and over with the lights dimmed does not make for long lasting gameplay.

Back in 2000, limited technology means that slip ups like this could be forgiven. With an engine as shiny as D3's, however, such a sin will be inexcusable. If the overworld is going to be static and the dungeons the only randomised environments, we want more then just a path that bends left instead of right. We want them to be every bit as detailed as the static ones every time they're generated.

None of this 'sacrificing quality in order to make randomisation easier' bull****e. We've been there, done that, created flagshipped.com. Every level of every dungeon should be just as alive as the main world. It should 'feel' like the developers put in an equal amount of effort. Yes, the ultimate goal is the shiny hoard of trinkets, glittering enticingly at that dank and murky cave's bottom, but that doesn't mean we want to be punished with endless walls of dirt or stone on our way down to it.

Variety. Please! If you love us, Blizzard, you'll do more then 'copy>paste>flip'. We've had enough sewers to last us a lifetime.

I'd Tap That - Places We Visited in Previous Games

        

The return of Tristram in Diablo 2 caused great pre-release excitement, and for once it was a feature that lived up to the hype.

Through a decent sized quest and some flashy lightning effects, players were reintroduced to the town we'd all come to love from the first epic game. And aside from the mysterious change in layout, it was true to form. Exploding cows, hungry hungry Zombie Griswold, and a confused Cain dangling caged above a tainted well? Ahhh... it felt like coming home again after so many years... and as an added bonus it came with a free Dead Wirt! Sweet! No town is complete without a Dead Wirt.

Anyway, if that whole event taught us anything it's that players love to return to familiar territory. Not for an entire act - that would be boring - but wouldn't it be interesting to visit our favourite cities after twenty years and see how they're doing? I've always wondered what the Rogue's Citadel would look like if it wasn't strewn with sweaty anvil-demons and tortured corpses. Or the Palace of Lut Gholein when it didn't have critters from an Arcane Sanctuary pouring into it. Has Kurast finally been repopulated and returned to its former glory as the home of the noble Paladins?

So many places we'd like to see again (as long as its only passing through) and those are just the friendly joints! Does Treeheads's fuzzy offspring still guard the Dark Woods? Are Fangskin's slippery spawn still practising the dark arts somewhere around the Lost City?

Whichever areas make a comeback, it's sure to inspire feelings of warm, comforting nostalgia. Like being hugged by Frozenstein!... Only minus the internal organs leaking out our ears.

Run Away! - Another Bland Hell

              

Ok, I'm about to break an eight year silence here. This is something I've always thought, but never actually said for fear of being lynched: Diablo 2's Act 4 sucked.

Seriously, what went wrong Blizzard? It's so obviously incomplete (come on, just two waypoints? Lame) and that's not like them. The ability to say "When it's ready" means things like that can be avoided. Did they run out of time? Money? Other resources? Patience? I just can't believe that they really intended for "Hell" to be so... dull.

Hell should be the ultimate journey into fear. It's the lair of the enemy! It should be dark, claustrophobic, and filled with more blood and horror then we can poke a sharp stick at. What did we get in Diablo 2? Three grey squares and a long brown path through a fire lake. Even Diablo 1 managed to make a freakier Hell then that.

Ok, to its credit the River of Fire was appropriate, and all the demons we encountered were very cool. It's just when you're used to naked impaled bodies, it's hard to take some half hearted 'tortured souls' seriously. The only scary thing about Diablo 2's Hell is the Death Knight's ability to cast Iron Maiden.

If Hell plans to return in D3, it better go back to its roots. It better be stiflingly dark; none of this bright "I can see everything" crap. It better be scary enough to make every encounter a pants browning experience. I want to see mangled corpses that have suffered unspeakable brutality. I want the walls to ooze blood! I want the music and air to be filled with the screams of the damned!! This is Hell: MAKE IT HELLISH!

Ahem. Yes, well, I believe I've made my point. Come on Blizzard, put some effort in. Where's the harm in skewering a few innocents on six foot long stakes for us? Hmmm? Bit of torture? Some guts? Naked Succubus pole dancing? (I smell an easter egg in the making)

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There we have it. Top Wanted and Unwanted Environments. Lets hope we get a few great a memorable places to plunder. We'll probably be doing so for another eight years, after all.

Next up: The Top Stupidest Features of the Diablo series.
Those 'attack potions' are finally going to get what they deserve.