20 Easy Steps to Starting GTA IV on Your PC

Ok, I've been pretty lenient towards the online activation of PC games lately. If it means I get to play an awesome game, I'll put up with it, and have been urging people to do the same. But this may be because I've only come across good ones so far, like Dead Space, that checks the disc once for 2 seconds then never bothers you again.

Leave it up to good old Microsoft and Rockstar to spoil that run.

GTA IV for the PC has just taken anti-piracy protection to the next level. To demonstrate, here's a step by step process on how you can start - not play- the game:

Step 1: "Tut" loudly as you are forced to agree to be part of the Rockstar Social Club; a Gamespy type program that must be installed before you can install the game.

Step 2. Wait for it to validate your DVD. Begin to install the game. It comes on 2 DVDs, taking up 16GB's of space.

Step 3: Growl loudly when asked to make a Microsoft Live account. If you haven't done so, be prepared for an arduous task in itself. Begin to cry.

Step 4: Wipe tears of frustration from eyes. Unclench jaw. Finish installing the game.

Step 5: Start crying again when you realise you must now make a Rockstar Social Club account. Do so while chanting a mantra of harsh words (language choice is optional).

Step 6: Go to email account to find validation code. See no email. Break something within arms reach.

Step 7: Ask website to resubmit code. Eventually find it in the junk folder. Consider offering Satan your soul to end the pain. Click validation link.

Step 8: Choose whether to assign your Xbox, Play Station or PC Microsoft Live account to the Rockstar Social Club. Plot assassination of Microsoft Live creator. Choose account.

Step 9: Attempt to sign into account as requested. Check watch: it's dinner time... but didn't you just eat breakfast?

Step 10: Finally finish creating Rockstar Social Club account. Sigh with wary relief. Start Social Club program.

Step 11: Speak in tongues as the program updates. Make a pot plant spontaneously combust.

Step 12: Rejoice as a big splash page with the word "Play!" appears. Click it with tired optimism.

Step 13: Bash head against keyboard repeatedly after seeing message stating "Please install the new Windows Live Update". Feel the beginnings of an ulcer forming.

Step 14: 22MB later, install update. Rock back in forth in your chair while attempting the "Play" button again.

Step 15: It works! Hooray! ....right? WRONG. Activate the game again by entering the code on your manual. Wait for it to suspiciously validate you. Feel slightly violated when it finally gives you the OK and starts the game.

Step 16: Begin to worry when black screen lasts 5 minutes. Alt + tab a few times. Remove fingernails from fingers due to over ambitious biting.

Step 17: Menu words! At last! Proceed to graphics options.

Step 18: Consider hiring Chuck Norris to roundhouse kick Rockstar when they tell you "You can not set the graphics higher as your system lacks resources" when you not only have enough resources, the benchmark test runs crystal smooth.

Step 19: Sigh, write it off as a bug. Begin game. Hooray! GTA IV at last!

Step 20: Game crashes to desktop.

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I hope you find this guide useful. Funny thing is, while I was installing it I was thinking "Wow, wouldn't it be funny if I went through all this, and then the game crashed to desktop! Haha!"

And then it happened. I wouldn't say I actually laughed. I made some kind of noise, but my girlfriend said it was definitely not a laugh. Hmm.

For the record, the game will not start if you don't play it through the Rockstar Social Club, whether you're interested in playing online or not. Suck it, single players: go buy a PS3 or 360 if you want easy access. You gotta keep the DVD in the drive at all times too. What is this? The 90's?

Pah.

F**k you, Rockstar and Microsoft! I'm off to join the anti-anti-piracy software crusade

UPDATE No. 1!
A mere day after release, countless bugs and problems have plagued buyers of the PC version of GTA IV. Here's a list of some of the worst atrocities, as described by forums, users, myself and my customers at EB Games/Gamespot:

* The crash-to-desktop bug is rampant, a "fatal zlib20 error". No known solution yet.
* Securom must be running at all times while the game is running. Closing it results in the game closing too.
* SecuROM will often crash, resulting in your game not starting at all.
* The reason the menu screen was black for me for so long is because it must download a file every time you start the game, since the menu background is actually an online updating news page.
* The newest Geforce Drivers: version 180.48, are not compatible with GTA IV.
* The Windows Live update supports Vista 32bit only. If you have Windows Vista 64bit, you can not play.
* The game does not support, nor recognise, SLI card set ups of any of the Geforce 8600 or 8800 card series.

More to come. If the **** doesn't hit SecuROM, Microsoft and Rockstar squarely in the face, I'll be very surprised. And very disappointed.