Top Five Do's And Don't's Of Social Gaming

Based on actual stuff that happens (otherwise known as "events"), this list of dos and don'ts is a guide for any gamer interested in participating in LAN parties or competitive events. To avoid committing all sorts of faux pas and the embarrassing humiliation that often follows, simply adhere to these five simple rules and you should be all set to frag your opponents without the cloud raining the twin evils of shame and fear hanging over your head.

Cleanliness Is Next To Godliness

Do: Maintain your personal hygiene.
Don't: Show up at a tournament, LAN party or your friend's house smelling of a yeast infection. No one will accept your excuses about how you didn't shower for three days straight because “it takes time out of practice”. Nor will they buy your superstition about how the thick layer of filth caked over your unwashed body carries with it the “Smell of Victory”. Have a wash, you filthy wretch.

Sharing Is Caring

Do: Pass the controller around and give everyone a chance to play.
Don't: Hog the controller all to yourself. Just because you're on a winning streak in Street Fighter IV doesn't give you any reason to keep the controller all to yourself while the rest of your (soon to be ex-) buddies wait in line for a chance to play. You might think you're a winner, but to everyone else, you're just a douchebag who's taking the game a little too seriously.

Be Sporting

Do: Cheer on your team-mates by congratulating in a jovial manner.
Don't: Call your team-mates a “bunch of ******* scrubs” whenever they miss a shot, or you'll be hitching a ride back, jerk ass. They won't call you to come out in the future, either. So much for your dreams of having a social life, Mr. Pro-Gamer.

Practice Common Sense

Do: Stay with your friends or teammates if you're participating in an event far from home, an unfamiliar place, or a foreign country.
Don't: Go off on your own. Deciding to go off on your own in search of a pub to “get a pint” in some bad part of a city in Germany well past midnight is a great way to get robbed. Proceeding to lodge complaints against the tournament hosts by accusing them of poor hospitality because you didn't think to practice a little common sense is a moot action.

Keep Your Cool

Do: Keep your cool when you're losing a match. You'll live to fight another day.
Don't: Act like a baby by throwing a tantrum. Screaming childishly and threatening to walk away with your keyboard while your team-mate tells you to “calm down” and “stop nerd raging, please!” is something you'll never live down, especially once you discover that it's all been captured on film and viewed by hundreds of thousands of people. This memory will be set to haunt you for the rest of your life.

 

Updated: Fixed the title because an apostrophe does really mean "Holy ****! Here comes an 'S'!" in this particular case.